February 12th, 2005

Grave Lying

Wow the day ticked over already...

Well firstly I feel absolutely ludacrious for doing this, considering only hours ago I was telling one of my dear friends how scared I was of laying everything out on the table. But then I keep fighting with the fact I keep doing all those quizzes and have nowhere to post them or comment on them. So I'll get to that later.

I guess I should be relaying how my day went. Well let's see ... I managed to get ready quite early today. I was quite proud of myself. It gave me the opportunity to get on the net before I went to work and quickly look up exactly where that damn Grimoire was buried on Charmed. I was half right - and it only took me 3 guesses to pick the right episode. So I made a little note of that to use in my next chapter.

That's right, I'm on a writing craze right now. The lack of things to do at work has actually helped that - u get to such a point of desperation in boredom you're willing to do anything. I've managed to read most of my friend's fics, which was great, and I have managed to work on my own with nary more than the occasional odd glance of why I'm typing so much so small in Microsoft Word on the computer at work. Glad the email there works too, cause I've been able to send them off home. Can I say I love my Bianca fic? That's the one I've been working on. The darling misunderstood Phoenix witch who I've played oh so many times in RPGs that she's become second nature to me in writing her now. For someone I originally despised, it's quite hilarious that I'm now one of her biggest fans. So during the little walks I've been taking during my breaks at work, the delayed bank visits, and the non-working but fic-writing I've been doing at work, my imagination hasn't totally abandoned me and blessed me with 17 wonderful pages. I was quite reluctant to finish up my last chapter being as I didn't want to end the whole Wyatt/Bianca thing (I'm crazy for that couple now - it's a legacy created that shall not be broken). So now I've embarked into her history, and as much as I thought it would be simple to write, it's not. The ideas are there but for some reason I can't really commit them down onto paper. During my little walk today I actually spent more time fretting over whether my friends had approved of my last chapter, and less time focusing on what I was going to write next. Staring at a white page on the computer screen doesn't help either. I forced myself to start, but once break time came I couldn't start myself up again and only managed just over a page. I think it's all the reluctance to dig into something painful - whether it be in her or in me, I really can't tell. I know I've been fairly emotional over the past few days, and so the voice of goodness in the back of my head telling me not to hurt my characters is probably prevailing right now. But I'm trying to quash it, what has to be written has to be written, and things can be worked out later.

But look at me now, still procrastinating by doing this instead. It's not that I'm in a bad mood, on the contrary I'm not. I went out and played tennis tonight and played I think it would have to be the best I've ever played in my life, considering I haven't played in quite a while. I was actually quite proud of myself, and so was my friend from work who I played against, the one who had spent at least one Friday night trying to coach me to improve my game and was having a terrible one herself tonight.

So reason I really wanted to start this was to post all my quiz answers up here and tell u what they mean to me. Okay so first quiz:

This Love by Maroon 5

"I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind"

You were so great in 2004 that you make everyone a little bit sick!

I was LMAO at this one. Maroon 5 has to be one of the favouritist bands of all my buddies, and I like them but I wouldn't go all out and say I was a fan. This isn't even my favourite song of theirs. But I thought that comment at the end was kinda hilarious and a little embarressing, especially after the praise I got for my first fic off complete strangers (and again, I have Drew Fuller to thank for that. He's brought me the most beautiful things and ppl I could ever wish for).

You Are 21 Years Old


Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Ah, isn't it good that this quiz tells me I'm only a year older than my buddies, when really there's a few years between us? See I never think of this because they all think like me. Some of them even know more about life than me, and on those days I swear that I'm the younger one.

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 70%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Antisocial |||||||||| 34%
Borderline |||||||||||||||| 62%
Histrionic |||||||||||||| 58%
Narcissistic |||||||||||| 46%
Avoidant |||||||||||||| 54%
Dependent |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 66%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Well this one just goes to prove that I am insane, or really just one of those imaginative masterminds ;) Some days I feel just short of completly losing it. I think this really does go to prove how complex things are in my head, and how badly it's effected me on the outside. I could actually blame my mother for quite a bit of that, which I guess is quite Freudian of me, but I know the losing my mind kind of stuff is actually my fault. I guess that's why my dependability is so high, I really do depend on other ppl to keep me grounded, or to at least convince me I'm not a total nutcase. I hate the things that go through my head sometimes. I think that's why I rely so much on everyone else to tell me things are okay. And now I'm starting to make myself cry. Dammit. Okay next one.

You Are A Romantic

You are more romantic than 80% of the population.

You life your life like a fairy tale... or at least you try to.
Living for magical moments, you believe there's only one true love for you.
Love is the most important thing in your life, and you don't take it for granted.
Your perfect match loves to be in love as much as you do!

Okay, this is true. I even have the quote Omnia Vincit Amor on the door to my room - it means Love Conquers All. I do view life as a fairytale. I spend so much time trapped in my own head that I lend my hand to fate in the hopes that things will turn out okay, and that it is written for me to have that perfect happy ending, despite the evils that appear in life.


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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Well, so, that sounds like my head. All darkness, looking for the light. Totally caught up in imagination and dreaming. Are you starting to wonder about my nick yet? Half crazy, half dreamlike. That's me to a T. And to think I actually got it from a Duran Duran name randomiser (yes, I love my 80s bands) that one of the guys developed, no 2 nicks were the same. To this day no-one has ever had my nick. And I really like it, so it sticks.


?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
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Okay, well I don't know about that. I'm hardly Popular (and everytime I hear that word I just have that Darren Hayes song going through my head LOL). Free spirited, well yes I don't like to be restrained (same case with all Saggie's). Young, yep I'll agree to that.

You're like a Unicorn!

?? Which Mythical Creature Are You ??
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Oh the irony (my bedroom is filled with Pegasus & Unicorn statues)! But every single word of that is true, peeps, and don't you forget it. I'm always here as a friend.

In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything
because your eyes are covered up by tears! You
are constantly hurt and depressed... No one
seems to understand how you feel because
everyone is scared to get close to you... You
long to be able to reach out and tell someone
everything, and all of your problems... But you
have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to
want to hear what you have to say. You've been
hurt many times that you don't seem to have any
tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an
endless river flowing... You've started to hide
and bottle up all or your problems and
feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go
away... You want company, but at the same time,
you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your
room where you can just be alone and try to
throw away all of your aching pains. You're
dark and mysterious and people like you for
that reason. Even if you think you're all by
yourself in the dark, someone is always there
with you. Your special someone wants to admit
and show their feelings towards you, but
they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out
more and enjoy life because, it is far too long
to frown your way through :)

What Lies Behind Your Eyes? (With Pics, See All Results!)
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Um... yep, yep, and yep. That's all I can say to that one. Hell I even made myself cry writing this update! *sigh* But, yeah, I think that's pretty much true.

You like the ones that understand you.

What kind of guy are you most attracted to? (CUTE anime pics)
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OMG so true. Perhaps that's where all my relationships have failed. No guy ever tries to understand me. They take offence or just high-tail it and run. None of them take the time to sit, listen, understand and appreciate what I'm saying.

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
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And I'm still single why??? LOL. Maybe cause I'm not bold enough to lay that entrancing kiss on just anyone. ;)

You are beautiful because of the pure, sensitive,
good hearted, unexperienced vibe you give out.
You most likely haven't done much such as sex,
drugs , and alcohol. If you have you were
probably just experimenting out of pure
curiousity. Your curiousness may lead to danger
if you cannot control it! People like to be
around you because of your young personality.
You like to have fun and be happy. You are well
liked by most people but some may find you
slightly immature. Don't let people bring you
down, for you are a wonderful and beautiful

You're Beautiful...but why? ( PICS)
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Yup, that's me, as innocent as they come. I lead a very sheltered life. Mind you it's surprising that when ppl tell me things it's really hard for them to shock me.

You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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Um... again, I'm single why?? Obviously guys don't want the perfect girlfriend. Actually I kinda realised that 4 years ago when I got dumped for being too nice. Can't say I ever heard that one written in the handbook before.

Another life. You are a loner, you don't like the
life you live, so you are always living inside
your dreams, there you feel safe but it is not
like everyone thinks, you don't find your
happiness when you are alone, cuz once you wake
up from your dreams you know you won't find
anyone there.

What is your way to ultimate happiness? (8 outcomes w/ pix)
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Um... okay more of that dreamy state stuff. In case u guys didn't get it yet, I really do live inside my head where my imagination makes life a lot more nicer and a lot more magical than the ugliness of reality. Alright last one:

Your Hidden Power Is Water

You have a rather calm soul, but when tempted
will get pissed off at those who bug you. You
do whatever you can in your powers to help
those of your allies and have a okay taste for
human kind, but you find them rather annoying
on occasions.

Gem Stone: Saphire, Eye Color:Ice
Blue,Hair Color:Dark Blue that's long
that goes to your waist.

Quote:If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you. Although I've travelled
far, I always hold a place for you
In my heart. If you think of me, If you miss me
once in a while, Then I'll return to you. I'll
return and fill that space in your heart

What Is Your True Hidden Power? .::Beautiful Anime Pics::.
brought to you by Quizilla

Now this was just strictly for fun. Mind u that first sentance, surprisingly, is the person I've turned into. I really didn't expect a power quiz to be a revelation of any sorts, but there u have it.

So, as I'm prone to do, I've rambled on forever and a day now. Time for this long update to go up.
Grave Lying

Adding to the noise

Alrighty, decided I might as well do this now. Haven't got Melly boo here to entertain me cause she's entertaining some kiddies instead ;)

So, let's see, after crashing at about 3am (a good hour after I had planned to go to bed - see what your buddies do for u ;) ), I managed to drag myself outta bed around 11 something AM with a whopper of a headache. This, for the most part, confused me because it's not like I slept in. There was a good 8 hour sleep there (which is scientiffically a predisposed normal day of sleep, something I very rarely get) so there was no excuse for oversleeping or anything. Hmm.

So I got to chat to El this morning seconds b4 she headed to bed, which was pretty nifty. Can't even really remember what we were discussing. Oh, quizzes, that was one. Um I think movies was in there somewhere. I remember her telling me how cold she was. And I remember how we were saying what a fantastic writer Mel is. And how much I loved everyone... see I was making myself cry again. Gee I'm sad, I think I haven't spent a day not crying over the past week! But, u know, great way to cheer yourself up is accidentally knock a bunch of CDs flying and have U2 reset your computer for u by falling on the keyboard. So that interrupted the deep & meanigful convo, but u know it had me laughing instead of crying so that was all good. That's about it, I'm blanking on the rest. Quite sad being as it was only 5 or 6 hours ago. LOL.

So back to fanfic land. After I tried to please my mother by doing what she said, cleaning my room for a good hour and a half to the tunes of Goo Goo Dolls (and, yes, may I say I discovered some more tunage for my Bianca fic *grin*), I wandered back to my computer to attempt this thing. Opened up the wrong file to type in, but luckily I realised what I was doing and fixed that quick smart. So glad I have Chris-Crossed on my computer now, made it incredibly easy to find the parts of the episode I needed. Namely little Bianca, and Bianca crashing her home (although I'm not putting that bit in yet, I was trying to get a good grip on the personality of the mother). Interesting fact though which I realised during my 10 min interval of hanging the washing out - we spend so much time focused on Chris that sometimes we forget or don't realise what's going on with the other characters. Today's thoughtage alerted me to the fact that Bianca actually did change the future as well - providing her mother with some wise words of wisdom about not lying to her. Interestingly enough, I think that backs up my version of Bianca, the nicer version not the completely cold one. So now I don't feel so bad about the fact that I can make her actually care about other ppl. I knew it was in her, just from the future scenes, but all the puzzle pieces didn't click together until I realised that just before. If her mother hadn't lied to her, she wouldn't be as cold or agressive as she has become, so I'm pretty glad about that. Actually I probably shouldn't ramble about it in here cause if I let it escape my head it might hinder the imagination factor.

Anyway, let's get onto some funness. More quizzes!

Info Grey
Your Heart is Grey

What Color is Your Heart?
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LMAO speaking of Bianca.... ok, no, really I think this is pretty spot on. It's hilarious actually. I love it. Ok I shouldn't have mentioned that girl's name... now I'm travelling back into those thoughts of how much personal experience I can invest in the girl. Must save that for later. I'm seriously not up to that bit yet. I don't know why my imagination insists on writing scenes that are much further down the track than where I actually am at the moment. Grr. Thankfully I got 2 pages completed for the next update now though. Only another four to go *rolls eyes*

holding hands
hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
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Awwww. Okay, I admit, I do take things pretty slowly. What can I say, I suck? LOL. No I guess it's just everything has to be meanigful for me, and perfect, and yeah I just like someone to always be there. *hugz*

PASSIONATE LOVER. You love to love, always looking
for a relationship. You cannot live without it.
Your lover must be passionate and you want
that you and your partner melt into each other.
He/She should not try to take the domination .
You dont want a relationship without passion,
and the sexuality plays a big part. The first
moment you meet him/her is one of the most
important. There has to be something between
you , you cannot explain. From the first moment
on everything must fix. But when this passion
disappears you disappear to. For you it is
better to leave than to see your love

~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
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Um... ok. LOL. Okay, so I'll admit something's got to be there in the first place. But as far as the rest goes, I'll let u know when I've actually had a decent relationship ;) haha.

You're a romantic girl. You're kind, caring,
loveing, and peaceful. You spend a lot of your
time dreaming and you're not afraid to express
deep emotion, whether it be in a poem, diary,
or words. You hope for love and affection from
your prince charming. I have a feeling he will
come around soon.

What kind of girl are you? (with pix!)
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Oh and the quiz gives me good news - my guy's only just around the corner! Wohoo! LOL. Doubt I should believe that when nameless horoscopes and stuff have been saying the same thing for years... but, anyway, we all knew I was a romantic - I scored 80% on that in the quiz last update ;)

You,re a very depressed, lonely person. Something
happened to you that changed your point of view
on life or maybe you always been this way. You
don't have any friends because you dont see the
point in making them they will just leave
anyway so why bother or maybe you just dont
want them. But try and stay positive there are
people who love you, so dont push them away
they just want to help. You might be scared to
make friends because you think they might hurt
you, but they won't, good friends always stay
together so try and make some.

Whats Your Personality(with PICS)
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Um, ok, maybe possible once... but now I have my beautiful net friends *hugglies* who I love to death and I'm not pushing them away. Nope, not ever, not for any money in the world. So of course now reality people hate me and think I'm unsociable (note people, just argued with my mother over this only 10 mins ago).

So can I say I'm a little annoyed with the fact that my family keep planning things without me? They were going to go out to dinner, and of course I just get told about it today. I don't get asked to do things, I get told to do them. But I've just been informed they're not going now. It was for my parents anniversary (seriously, do I have to be there? It's not like they even care about it themselves!) but cause I didn't want to go suddenly the whole world falls apart and it's my fault again. *sigh* Well I suppose u can tell I'm peeved. Apparently I can't stay away from this computer (um, ppl please remind me - where was I for about 3 hours last night? Where was I this morning? And where am I going tonight - ie. movies with Russ to see Hide & Seek @ 9:30pm). Argh. Ok, well, that's enough from me.