February 17th, 2005

Grave Lying

Aches & Pains & All that jazz

My day really doesn’t stretch out properly. I can sit here for hours being bored at work with nothing to do, and then have so little time at home to do everything in. It really is not fair that the work meanies won’t let me play on the net, at least not without being sneaky about it. And even then I get questioning looks and, well, I guess u can call them questions of jealousy. Can I help it that nothing has come in? *sigh*

So, really, the best thing I should be doing is writing more fanfic. But I think I’ve exhausted myself out over the past week of just trying to get the last update done, and so I feel free to guarantee myself a break today. I’ve been playing catch up this morning on reading the others, but have left Zarina’s until tonight cause I think there’s somewhere between 4-6 chapters I have to catch up on (thanks to being dragged away for the majority of the weekend) which I believe will probably be too high a volume to try to read without getting sprung like a thousand times over. Besides, I think it’s about time I gave my buddy my full attention for her fic without having to be overly paranoid and looking over my shoulder. That way I can be more involved and hopefully not miss anything (because apparently I do if I try to skim read at work – Ellen’s pointed out numerous things I missed in hers because of that ;) ).

For those that didn’t pick up on that passing comment, yes I did update my Bianca fic last night. Re-read through it just before to see if my brain wanted to generate any more inspiration, but I was right – it wants a rest. Can I say how atrocious some of it was? I couldn’t help but nitpick at certain misspelling of words, or words meant to be one thing but actually another. Had to be at least about 5 errors in there. That’s what you get for being in such a rush to put something up that you don’t back-read. I could kick myself, honestly. I know it’s the perfectionist side of me coming out, and if I had more time on my hands I would be happy because I wouldn’t have to try to rush things. I only just finished it before bedtime last night, and had to stay up that little bit extra to upload it, so I had no time to update my livejournal (hence the reason I’m doing it now), or to even check it. So frustrating. Maybe it would be a little nicer if I could actually finish an update on the weekend instead of mid-week. I’m hoping the next one (when my imagination actually switches on again) will be easier because *claps* I get to rip off part of Charmed, so that’s at least half a page of dialogue I’m not going to have to think up myself. I love working in and around scenes. I have to watch Chris-Crossed a thousand times over though (but hey, am I complaining? Got all my brilliant actors in there! Hehe). Just maybe I might come up with a few more headache questions for my buddies as well as myself too. Looking forward to that… maybe. Well I do like analysing things, but I don’t want to stress myself out over it. I think that’s why it’s good to get someone else’s opinion sometimes; it takes the load off yourself.

I suppose I should actually be branching out on yesterday. I’ll leave todayness until tonight because surely I’ll be updating again since I’m giving myself a break. Mind you, now I have to remember what happened yesterday. I know my knee was sore – my dislocated one. Still grumbling today actually. If it’s a sign of rain, I wish it would pour down. Not when I leave though, have to go early (orthodontist appointment), but maybe tonight so it can be all inspiring.

Something to shock my buddies – my boss complained about my wallpaper. Yes, that’s right, Ellen’s one. Now don’t freak out or anything, it was because she thought I’d had it up for far too long. What can I say? I love my wallpaper. And there are reasons it’s still there – Wyatt, Chris & Bianca I kinda need to see cause of my Bianca fic. ;) But she obviously had not been paying too much attention when I had taken it down last week, putting up something fairly dark and stormy to represent my mood that day. I only just put it back up this week cause I can’t leave my fave characters off my screen for too long. Admittedly I had to change my one at home to the Phoenix one I made, so I could see the characters of Bianca’s early life and work out what I was writing off that. But the moment my boss said that, and that I should take it down cause Drew isn’t on the show anymore, I instantly thought of messaging Melanie or Ellen and requesting new wallpaper – with Mel in mind I thought instantly of a Cold Case one, that way I’d still have Marisol. And you know the funny thing about that? My boss watches both Charmed and Cold Case, and I don’t think she’s strung the idea together that Bianca & Elisa are the same girl. So I pretty much could protest that Drew might not be, but Marisol is still on our screens. ;) Needless to say, my wallpaper has remained, and no new comments have been thrown my way about it today.

Okay so nothing totally thrilling happened yesterday. The fun parts were writing the Bianca fic. When I got home I found my brother was playing Kelly Clarkson’s album, so that was a nice thing to hear. And then he provided me with some of the greatest most surprising news out – Lifehouse has a new album out, and a new single. It was released in the US in January, and how did I not know?? I guess last time I checked up on them must have been last year then. It doesn’t feel that long ago. And considering Mel was listening to Lifehouse tracks, I don’t know why I didn’t think to go check again. But 96.1FM (which used to be in Penrith but has since travelled further east) decided to play the new song. Bless their little souls. So Russ heard it, said it was a nice acoustic number, and has since spent just about every minute trying to locate the song. As soon as I get word about the album, I’m rushing out to get it that’s for sure. Must add it to my collection. Those guys are brilliant.

Russ also played me his new song. One he stayed up until 2am to write. My brother writes some wonderful music, I must say, and I’m not just being biased because he’s my brother and he’s such a great guy, but the stuff he wrote with this girl in Canada was absolutely brilliant. She has one of the best voices I’ve ever heard, and it was a real shame that she never wanted to go ahead and release it – he was quite eager too. He hasn’t written anything in a while because he can’t find a decent singer (yes, it’s hard to live up to perfection, isn’t it?), but he’s just decided with some encouragement from me and my wonderful buddies to get back into it. So he played me this instrumental piece he wrote – dark, brooding, and hauntingly beautiful. If we could offer instrumentals to well known bands – and in this case it would definitely be Evanescence working away on their new album in the studio – then we would. He’s quite pleased with himself for writing something with piano and strings, and he’s in love with his new drum samples – one of the big booming thunderous ones he’s implemented into that tune. It sounds great, and really needs beautiful and disturbing vocals laid over the top.

What else? Well I found out Zarina’s going to a fantasy fair thing in April. I so want to go. Why can’t we have things like that here? :( And you can dress up and all – that would be so much fun. I still have my Halloween murder mystery costume lying around somewhere *looks around* oh, that’s right, it’s at home. Hehe. Well from what Zarina’s saying it covers everything fantasy & supernatural. I wish I could live there at the castle where it’s held! U know what, maybe I can go dressed as Bianca. Just have to find that leather catsuit somewhere… and maybe sharpen that knife… hehe. Argh, it’s so much fun and I have to miss out! I know my friend would love to go to it too, the little Wiccan she is.

So as long as I wanted to make this, I really can’t think of anything else to write. :S Perhaps I should take some quizzes. Oh, that reminds me, read my other buddies journals and they all quizzed they cared most about me. Aww *hugglies* so sweet. I feel so loved. But, again, I did state all that on Valentine’s. ;)

*about 10 mins later*

Okay, so our internet connection sucks today *Cry* it won’t load anything properly. So I’ll have to quiz tonight. Now I have to think of something actually creative to do *rolls eyes* Oh, funny thing, I’m finishing this update on the same song I started on! Hehe.

*2 mins after that*

Now I think the world hates me. Can’t even update my journal. *waits patiently*

*just after midday*

Oh finally! It works. Decided to browse through some other lj's while I waited. Gee some people are so uninspirational. Another reason I'm thankful for my buddies - some of the most creative people on the planet. They can even make their livejournal's sound interesting. *hugz*
  • Current Music
    "On The Way Down" - Ryan Cabrera
Grave Lying

This may get a little scary - u have been warned. Turn back now!

Alright before I get into the nitty gritty, I'm going to put up a few quiz results. Then get utterly distracted by Lost. :P So hold on tight guys, here we go ;)

You're Brigitte Bardot!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
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Ah, blonde sex kitten, I wish! hehe. Considering I did used to run around in a striped top when I was about 9 and pretend I was French. :S

You hate not to love but you hate to fall in love.
You can't help but sigh when you see two people
kiss in the park and all. You don't like to go
over board and believe in a small steady
relationship at first so that it can grow. You
also like to think that you can have that kiss
that puts you into a portal and you can't get
back until he/she stops.

How much do you love? GOOD PICS
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Um... *blush* okay perhaps if you guys have read my work, u might have figured that one out ;) It's amazing how many consistencies come up in my quizzes. Everything seems to have a dreamlike quality with me.

You are a dark writer. A fierce and loyal follower
of Poe and the other gothic authors, you LOVE
to instill a sense of revulsion and somewhat
fear in your readers. You love to poke their
brains with logic dealing with the darker side
of the human mind and character. Truly
surprising and a true individual, you'll do
ANYTHING to create a scene. :)

What's YOUR Writing Style?
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LOL well I read horror books - does this really surprise anyone? And, yes, create a scene, or "drama" as I call it. I seem to be coinging that phrase rather a lot lately. Anything for good "drama".

You are an.. OUTCAST! Nobody hates you, you just
hate them. Or vice versa. You really don't like
being around people, being by yourself is much
better company. You are not accepted by the
norm and are deemed "weird" or
"freaky". You appreciate things that
others don't, and you dwell in your

The Subculture Label Quiz
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What do u get when u take one outcast, and put them together with two other outcasts? Now considering I know 3 of us scored this result now, I doubt we hate people or being alone. Maybe we are just brothers in arms - too much in common to be apart ;)

Raining Brilliance
The Rainning Brilliance
you seem so depressed, on a happier note, you are
fixable. see how beautiful you are? imagine how
much more beautiful you'll be once you put all
of those broken pieces of your heart back
together again. you may think it's hopeless
right now, and i can't gaurantee you'll forget,
and that it will all go away, but you're not
broken for good. smile ^_^

What Aroura Borialis does your soul reflect?
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Aww beautiful. See I am repairable! *happy dance* Well, if u must know, I really am on my way there. I have some fantastic buddies to back me now - have I mentioned that sense of elation? I'm sure I have a thousand times. I can't stop saying how much I love them. They're incredibly important to me. So important that I cannot let them go - I even cried when I couldn't get in contact with them. It really does matter that much to me.


Which American Subculture Do You Belong To?
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Goth. Fair enough. Mel & I can be Goth together. :D I always thought I was a closet Goth anyway. I just don't parade around in black all the time. ;) (For more on my morbid thoughts, stay tuned for later installments ;) )

Well well well, the old fashioned 17th century vampire, one of my faves. You look for the good things in life, you posses a lot of classical class, and follow that of the original%2
Well well well, the old fashioned 17th century
vampire, one of my faves. You look for the good
things in life, you posses a lot of classical
class, and follow that of the original
vampires, you have no shame in what you are,
infact you embrace it, you love it and wouldn't
have it any other way. Your wealth is
unspeakable and your way of luring people with
your mystical ways and looks is amazing, and
most people would often call you The
Seductress. Please rate this quiz!

What Kind Of Vampire Would You Be. (New And Improved, With COOL Pics!!!) FOR GIRLS ONLY!!!!
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Ohhh I love that picture. Seductress, hey? Hmm... *thinks about looking for that leather catsuit again* hehe. Now if u truly believed that, I think I would have a better love life. But that's a tempting way to live the afterlife. :D

And now one more, cause we were discussing Power Rangers tonight (and seeing my memory fail - bad thing. But I still remember all about Tommy):

You're the green ranger(Tommy), you're the leader of
the pack, so that makes you cool, real cool.

Which original Mighty Morphin Power Ranger are you?
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Sad I don't get a pic with it :( He was so pervable.

OK so now to the grimness of tonight's update. I'm not going to ramble on about the boringness of work today, nor the walking out of the orthodontist office on the 10th March without my braces on (so I was informed today), but of an event that occured on my way home. I just succeeded in making the 3rd last carriage of a late running train today, which enabled me to get home that little bit earlier (and I left early as well). So I got off the platform at my station and was walking up from the back, watching the people with prams in front of me. I happened to turn my attention across to the people on the other side and see some of them get up. It was then that I spotted someone on the tracks. A guy who had got off my train decided to be really lazy, not walk over the bridge to the other side, but drop down onto the tracks and cross those. The idiot decided only to look the way our train had just come from, mind u standing on the other side of the tracks, paying no attention to the tangara that was pulling in. I was given the best view to now see first hand someone be splattered by a train. I didn't shout out, the moment I even thought of it the train driver blared his horn. I kept walking and watching with some kind of morbid fascination, all the while sadly thinking that I was having a Bianca/Wyatt moment and could use it for my fanfic. You probably think I'm sick, I know, but it's just the crazy morbid madness of my mind. Anyway, the guy finally turned to look when he heard the horn, stepping back onto the other side of the tracks, and then thinking twice and running in FRONT of the train, then hoisting himself up onto the platform as the driver slammed on the brakes. I'm surprised it didn't take his foot off, he was that close to killing himself. I went upstairs and filled in the friendly ticketmaster what had happened, and he asked me if the guy walking down the path in the white shirt was the idiot. I said yes.

Now my friends all know I'm weird and morbid, and try to take it with a light sense of humour, but I don't know if I'm completly delusional about this whole compulsion with death thing. Yeah, okay, this is why I think perhaps I'm a little Goth. I believe in the afterlife, that there is something better on the other side, and death is... how should I put this... a sweet release?? Perhaps I once craved it a little too much, because life at one point was overly unbearable.

I've had brushes with death. There was a moment where I had tried to help a friend, and she almost killed me for it. Literally. I tried to save her from drowning, and she almost drowned the both of us in her panic. Thank god that someone else was in the water with us, or I may not have been around any longer. It's not such a fun thing to be inhaling water instead of air.

Um... so I, I dunno, sometimes I think this whole death thing stems from my grandmother (on my mother's side). We were living at her house when I was 8. We didn't have anywhere else to go. There was a narrow hall out the back that I used to keep leaving a table out in (playing school or whatever, I really don't remember) and she kept kicking her toe on it and yelling at me for it. Anyway, long story short, she ended up in hospital with, well, I think it was cancer or something. But I remember mum telling me that it all started in her toe. And then she had her legs amputated. Eventually she ended up dying from it. My mum stopped taking us to the hospital because my grandmother was completly delusional b4 she died. But this is the thing. Remember this people, when u have kids, and smart ones at that, u should tell them everything that is going on and explain as best you can. Don't lie to your kids. Don't hold back because you're scared of hurting them or scaring them or whatever. You can do much more damage if u do. Cause you see, it hurt me badly. I put two and two together - figured because it all started in the toe then it was my fault, and for many many many years after that I blamed myself for her death. I don't think I ever got over it until probably another 7 years later when I realised that it probably wasn't possible. But I took the fact that she died the day after my birthday, when I had to be dragged out of class where we were having cake, as some kind of sign or something. I even wrote a letter of apology and left it on her grave. I shed many many tears over this through many years, and I think somewhere in the back of my mind I still can't completly believe I didn't have a part in it, that it wasn't my fault at all. I guess it makes u wonder if u deserve to live.

I suppose I'll finish this off here. I mean, if I keep going it's going to upset someone (Whether me or someone else). I never planned on making this long anyway. So have a good night, try not to get too many nightmares. ;)
  • Current Music
    "Remember Me" - Josh Groban