June 12th, 2005

Grave Lying

If u land on your feet, I hope u find a way to make it back to me

*waves* I feel like such an uninteresting person lately. Not that there hasn't been anything happening, sure there has. Not that I haven't been thinking because certainly I have. Not that my obsessions are lacking, possibly they're worse than they already were. But for some reason I feel bland. For some reason the only thing I can think of is that my buddies are coming soon, and the only thing I can feel is my body breaking down (the ankle problem, the enduring wrist pain, the fact I can't keep awake anymore).

I went out to dinner with my friends last night. It's the new monthly thing that I had to boot them up the butt about getting organised on Friday morning. It's not like it was my choice to make this a regular event, believe me I don't mind at all staying home chatting to my buddies & writing instead, so it's just slightly annoying that everything fell back on me to get organised. I'm definately in the "I don't care one way or the other" mode now. And strangely enough I went back into the, um, maybe for a better term "shy" mode yesterday not wanting to go out and leave my buddies, feeling sick at the thought of having to socialise again. I mean, one of my friends I've known for a good 12 years, how can it be that I can be so scared of having a conversation with her? I really hate myself sometimes, that I can have this fallable part of me that refuses to co-operate, that can make me feel so physically ill about the simplest of things, and that it just doesn't permanently go away - it stays, its changeable, and I can never tell anyone whether its going to be there or not, I just have to wait and see myself. I'm impressed that my life has improved enough for me to get a handle on it and on few occasions have rambleness instead, but to have something like that come back hourly or daily makes me feel like I'm being fake when I talk too much or something. Like its not the real me. And I always warn people, and I'm not being fake when I ramble, it is actually me, and its nice to be listened to, understood and appreciated, but it just doesn't happen for me all the time. Maybe I've been burnt too many times before, I don't know.

Anyway, dinner, was fun. Actually got to share some knowledge on X-Men news, so weird :o Didn't think I'd actually be an information source. Everyone ordered entrees, so my meal got downsized to one too LOL Guess didn't help I was asking for a main size of an entree meal. And both Hue's and mine looked like they'd just got out a meat pattie and lumped stuff on top. Seriously, description of my meal was two-three lines long - they could have fit it into 5 words. Sooo sad. And cause Jen over-ordered (and underate as pretty usual for her), she told me to steal some food off her plate - firstly cause we both were deciding between the two meals we'd ordered - she got one, I got the other; and secondly cause she was convinced they hadn't fed me enough, so I dug into some of her spicy gnocchi and boy did she feel like she achieved something having me take food from her. Um, I'm not sure how to describe it exactly, but since I have a whole list of judgemental wrongs on my list (even if I think its okay someone does something to me) I just won't do it. Taking food from someone else is one. Can't say whether that's considered a pride thing or not, but I do feel weird and awkward and wrong if I do it. And I was still surprisingly slightly hungry, so we checked out the dessert menu which was all unappealing and expensive anyway. I mean, hey, I had to pay $4.50 for water (yes, it's "special" water) and, um, here's a little quirk with me - I HATE Lemon being put in it, it makes it taste foul, and so I flat refuse the offer of mineral water, and still I had lemon brought out so the moment he turned his back after pouring the water, I fished out the lemon and threw it into the garden behind me. Must say, the biggest plus for the fact we had not booked was being shoved outside (not inside the warm building) into the cold wind with a heater that barely worked. But, u know, had a garden, right where I sat, and I was feeding it (a) LOL So back to the hungriness. While I went in search of the toilets in the neverending corridor (I swear it went back a block or two :S), Hue decided to call a friend to come hang with us, so I was utterly confused over what was going on. But we went in search of icecream, finally found the place and it was absolutely packed (weird, huh? Considering it's WINTER and freezing cold and windy, it was more packed than the restaurants :S), so we just went strolling up the street until her friend arrived and suggested we go to Double Bay in her car. I was like no, no way... basically I was incredibly paranoid about my car. I parked it on top of Westfields, only one way in and out, and there were guards there and the cinema is now closed so I had no idea what time they'd close down the carpark on us. And no freaking way was I going to abandon my car halfway between the city and my place, that's just not right. So after 10 mins of convincing, and eventually Jen getting on board with me, we managed to leave Hue with her friend and go save my car. Jen wanted to do something still, so we decided on having a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers/Charmed marathon (ok the latter fell away cause I was too tired). So we came back to my place to collect a double episode tape (episode 11 & 12 from first season) and the first movie (didn't realise Billy wasn't in the second :o That's so wrong!). So we were sitting there during the episode one commenting on the lack of acting skill (and script according to Jen haha) and saying how much they'd improved over the seasons, so they were a lot better during the film. Tommy, Billy and Adam, definately my favourites *nods* and Trini back in the early days. Kimberly got better, so she was more likeable after the first couple of seasons, and I had to smack Jen for fastforwarding the Tommy/Kimberly action. She was all "blah!" cause it was a lovey dovey scene, but hey I think they were cute together *nods* So didn't want no fastforwarding. Again, watching MMPR reminded me of the saying I thought up a little while ago that "Everything I learned, I learned from watching Power Rangers" hehe. I can absolutely see things that have just stuck in my head, things I've used in my writing, and it's all very cool. There are little things I'm thankful for in my life, and that is one of them.

Okay so tiredness abounding, was yawning thru the 2nd half of the film and Jen allowed sleepy little me to drive home, and I decided to park myself behind my computer cause I promised Mel I would be on. And I sat there for I think two hours battling a worsening headache that had me ready to smash my head thru the monitor cause it just wouldn't go away. I think I updated Bianca in LJ in that time :S Can't remember. I did IDBT earlier so I didn't have to touch that, just read Melly's update. So really I was fighting myself that whole time between needing to go to bed and wanting to chat to Mel cause things just haven't worked out right for anyone over the past few days. And this morning mum & I decided to do the trial run to the airport so I knew where I was going, so I grabbed my new Lifehouse CD and threw it in the car and we took off to the airport. That was a bad choice of song selection cause apparently I was still in my low mood (the one I'd not completely recovered from last night), and so I almost started crying listening to the songs and thinking about picking Melly up from the airport. It was the first time I'd actually thought I'd cry when she came, and it was cause I was grateful that she was here. I'm sure I'll probably cry when everyone leaves *nods* That's gonna be terrible. But, u know, we got further into the album away from the cryable songs so I didn't spill tears, and I made my little journey and found where I had to go, and got really hungry and blinded by the sun. So we had lunch at Maccas and I put the sunnies on and drove home, my wrists ended up getting sore (dammit) and it was only when we got about 20 mins away that that stupid tiredness I keep getting hit me, and there was about 5 seconds there I actually slipped off, thankfully didn't crash into anyone going 100 KM/h in the middle lane, and I got home ok. I put myself straight to bed though and slept for about two hours before Russ got me up cause mum had cooked soup for dinner. Then I made my way over here on the net, took a few quizzes, did B's LJ again, and now I'm here :D

So that's it for my day. Quizness follows:

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:o Mum told me my cousins are gonna set me up with Michael (not bank Michael, Best Man at the wedding Michael) cause he broke up with his girlfriend. :S K he was kinda cute, but I don't think I have anything in common with him, do I? And where is this sudden interest everyone has that I have to be attached coming from? Hrmm... *wants a simple solution*
  • Current Music
    "Come Back Down" - Lifehouse