Trying to work up the courage to do this again. I have been effectively avoiding my lj, mostly because I don't like where I've been, and instead of minutes or hours this time it took days to get back to some kind of normal stability. I only feel today as if I'm starting to get on top of things, and having my sanity return a little.
It hasn't been a fun ride. In fact, at times, it has skated very close to being dangerous, so much so that I was considering begging my friends to look after me for the next few months because I was unsure about whether I could keep something from happening. I don't know why but I anticipate this is going to happen again, more often, and it makes me wonder about my sanity.
Effectively I hit the dark depths of depression without being able to pull myself out this time. I spent 3 days straight crying, something I have never done... or at least not for many many years. It was an accumulation of everything in my life and everything in the past week rolled into a nasty viscious ball meant to rot me from the core. Looking back at my Bianca lj I think there's a possibilty it started earlier than I had thought. Sleep deprivation was a start, certainly guilt was a factor, furthered by something small that unintentionally brought back a bad memory that I'm not going further into because I already discussed it on here months ago. There were arguements, lies, bitching (and don't start thinking personal, I'm talking broad spectrum and most of you were not even there for what I'm referring to). On top of that the restraint of being bound and chained to everything I hate, having no escape, no freedom, and everything stripped away from me. Being frustrated with myself and everyone else, crying because I can't do things I should be able to, because things that are easy for other people are difficult or impossible for me, because even though I try I still fail, because everything is always my fault whether it is or not. I felt completely worthless and that there was no reason for me to be here. I felt locked into a life that was pointless and full of anguish, and I hated every single part of it. I couldn't find one single thing I considered to be good. I was at such a low point that I couldn't even write for Bianca, and had to give myself a day or so to do that, although that was after I had almost made myself sick from crying so much.
Not all of the shit has passed, and I don't expect it will. I knew a while ago that nothing was going to change. It actually makes me kind of pissed with the psychic who told me my life was going to get better from here-on in. I believed her, I really did, I thought I was headed in the right direction and now I don't even know. But I'm glad at least that I seem to be getting reprieve in some respect. I was able to start back on my fic, although I haven't got far because I'm still trying to work out a scene to put between the opening and the next one without being repetitive in a chapter. My boss actually thought, because I arrived early, that I was leaving early today. Would have been a nice early-mark, but I did tell her that I was just making up time from last week (and again, I wonder how the hell I can be stressed when I had time off. The only time I'm ever this snappy at work, although it was slightly watered-down this time around cause I knew I shouldn't be lashing out, was when I was deprived of a year's worth of holidays). Not even an hour later my boss blesses me with the glorious news that someone else would be doing reception today, and I have to say it was certainly freeing to be able to get about and do my own thing and not have to worry about the phone ringing out the front (and breaking a knee or something running back to answer it). But it just goes to show how long they've made me endure that position because I wasn't even sure how to use the other computers it had been that long, but I easily got back into the swing of things within minutes. Being busy was a good thing, but I expect everything will go back to normal tomorrow. Michael (at the bank) also threw me nicely today by asking where the happy, smiley Julie went - to which I said it all went away, but is progressively coming back. I know at times throughout yesterday and today I have occassionally tried to overcompensate to bring myself back up, trying to fake my way back to happiness. It's a long slow road to get back there, but at least I'm on the path now, and I'm trying so hard not to indulge in things, although I know that can be difficult to.
- Music:"My December" - Linkin Park