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Welcome to the deep, dark & crazy world that is my imagination
Down the road of no return and back again 
31st-Aug-2005 07:04 pm
Grave Lying
Trying to work up the courage to do this again. I have been effectively avoiding my lj, mostly because I don't like where I've been, and instead of minutes or hours this time it took days to get back to some kind of normal stability. I only feel today as if I'm starting to get on top of things, and having my sanity return a little.

It hasn't been a fun ride. In fact, at times, it has skated very close to being dangerous, so much so that I was considering begging my friends to look after me for the next few months because I was unsure about whether I could keep something from happening. I don't know why but I anticipate this is going to happen again, more often, and it makes me wonder about my sanity.

Effectively I hit the dark depths of depression without being able to pull myself out this time. I spent 3 days straight crying, something I have never done... or at least not for many many years. It was an accumulation of everything in my life and everything in the past week rolled into a nasty viscious ball meant to rot me from the core. Looking back at my Bianca lj I think there's a possibilty it started earlier than I had thought. Sleep deprivation was a start, certainly guilt was a factor, furthered by something small that unintentionally brought back a bad memory that I'm not going further into because I already discussed it on here months ago. There were arguements, lies, bitching (and don't start thinking personal, I'm talking broad spectrum and most of you were not even there for what I'm referring to). On top of that the restraint of being bound and chained to everything I hate, having no escape, no freedom, and everything stripped away from me. Being frustrated with myself and everyone else, crying because I can't do things I should be able to, because things that are easy for other people are difficult or impossible for me, because even though I try I still fail, because everything is always my fault whether it is or not. I felt completely worthless and that there was no reason for me to be here. I felt locked into a life that was pointless and full of anguish, and I hated every single part of it. I couldn't find one single thing I considered to be good. I was at such a low point that I couldn't even write for Bianca, and had to give myself a day or so to do that, although that was after I had almost made myself sick from crying so much.

Not all of the shit has passed, and I don't expect it will. I knew a while ago that nothing was going to change. It actually makes me kind of pissed with the psychic who told me my life was going to get better from here-on in. I believed her, I really did, I thought I was headed in the right direction and now I don't even know. But I'm glad at least that I seem to be getting reprieve in some respect. I was able to start back on my fic, although I haven't got far because I'm still trying to work out a scene to put between the opening and the next one without being repetitive in a chapter. My boss actually thought, because I arrived early, that I was leaving early today. Would have been a nice early-mark, but I did tell her that I was just making up time from last week (and again, I wonder how the hell I can be stressed when I had time off. The only time I'm ever this snappy at work, although it was slightly watered-down this time around cause I knew I shouldn't be lashing out, was when I was deprived of a year's worth of holidays). Not even an hour later my boss blesses me with the glorious news that someone else would be doing reception today, and I have to say it was certainly freeing to be able to get about and do my own thing and not have to worry about the phone ringing out the front (and breaking a knee or something running back to answer it). But it just goes to show how long they've made me endure that position because I wasn't even sure how to use the other computers it had been that long, but I easily got back into the swing of things within minutes. Being busy was a good thing, but I expect everything will go back to normal tomorrow. Michael (at the bank) also threw me nicely today by asking where the happy, smiley Julie went - to which I said it all went away, but is progressively coming back. I know at times throughout yesterday and today I have occassionally tried to overcompensate to bring myself back up, trying to fake my way back to happiness. It's a long slow road to get back there, but at least I'm on the path now, and I'm trying so hard not to indulge in things, although I know that can be difficult to.
Comments 
31st-Aug-2005 02:29 pm (UTC)
Beautiful girl *hugs* :( First thing first - your mood says rejected :( you never rejected by me :( IF I've ever made you feel that way Melly is very, very sorry. Secondly - it's sounds extremely trite but I do somewhat know what it's like where you were. And even so it kills me because I don't know how to help you because I can't even help myself most of the time. Most of the time I just want to keep you to myself and let you do your thing because all I want is for you to be happy. And the thing is there aren't a lot of people these days who I would, without complaint to anyone, give up my own happiness and my own pleasures so that they could be happy. You are without a doubt one person I would sacrifice my personal happiness for.

I'm sorry if my own crappy (extreme) mood swings lately have in any way contributed to making you feel lower. And also for telling you that those songs you sent were, well you know what happened. :( I don't want you to be like me :( it's badness. Your too good for that. Please take care of yourself boo. Pretty, pretty please. I want to spoil you while I'm there btw, so there's something to look forward too. ;)
31st-Aug-2005 02:39 pm (UTC) - So sorry!
I'm not sure what I can say to make you feel better, all I can say is I'm here for you at any time! You can email, PM, or chat with me, ok? I have to confess here that I've had my own very dark days, I just never shared them with anyone.:( It's taken me a while to realize that I can share my deep dark feelings with you guys and you'll still accept me. *hugs* I love you Jules and it tears me apart to hear what you've been going through! Just please feel free to share with me what's going on if you want to, you're not alone!
31st-Aug-2005 06:08 pm (UTC)
Sweet Jules,

If there's one point the very large time difference is a problem, it would be the right here and now. With me being away on my day due to work and other stuff and you on yours we've hardly seen each other coming online let alone actually talked. I had no idea what you were -and are- going through. Call me naive, ignorent, I don't know. I mostly blame the fact I've been too busy with too many things the last few weeks and the fact I hardly see you guys online anymore. I do hope I've never given you the idea I wouldn't be here for you to talk--if you even wished to do so. Because I am. Despite the fact I might not be on msn that long and often anymore. I am an internet and mostly my close internet buddies addict. I simply can't be away from my computer for more then 10 hours and will always read/reply to i.e e-mails withing this time span.

So IF you ever feel the need to 'talk' to me, tell me something or even rant about someone, something or life in general: you know my e-mail address and I will do everything in my power to try to help you. I don't care about the large distance between the two of us. I care about you, please know that. I did before we met in Sydney, and during/after our holidays together you guys were even more important to me. I can't say it enough but there's one thing I can't change. And that's for you to realise just that. That besides the things and people in life that just majorly suck and you hate, but can't go away from at the moment, I am here and I care. Just as Mel, and some other people in your life that really don't suck. Honest. And things will change eventually. Might not go as fast or the way you want to, but trust me it will change. It might happen by something unexpected on the outside, or you yourself see the proverbial light and know what right thing to do so you can have/turn your life so you'll be happy living it.

And God just before I wanted to tell you a million things more, but you try to focus while the neighbour bitch is yelling her longues out and her three children are crying and screaming as if she's killing them.

I know that's totally besides the point, but I just want to tell you so much to make you feel better, but I know I just can't. You have to do it yourself and your friends can only help you, but not solve it. I just hope so badly everything will turn good for you again. I don't want you to be sad, depressed, feeling and seeing everything but good things. I want you to do all the things you want to do and give you a smile on your face. You deserve it so much.

*Biggest squishy hugz in the world* (What? Can't a girl go all cliché? :P)
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