Music:"Runaway Train" - Soul Asylum (in the jukebox in my head)
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile. How on earth did I get so jaded?
I don't even know where to start. For 6 hours I've had a hundred thoughts running through my brain, some of which are nasty and unpleasant, because of what my father did. I'm quite certain I've ranted about him and his spending habits before - whatever he wants he gets. Take for instance the $60,000 monaro that was sitting in our driveway when we pulled up in my car. My father doesn't tell you what he's doing, he sneaks around behind your back, blatantly lying, and then does something stupid like that. With money we don't have. He walks out on all his jobs, he hasn't worked in I don't know how many months even though he *promised* he wasn't going to do that again. Now we're living on only my mum's income (dad doesn't get a red cent for walking out, nor does he get paid any income because my mum is working), which is the same as me, and a lousy one at that. Of course my brother and I pay her board every fortnight, and at least with me I pay for everything of mine myself so it's no great strain to the family budget or anything, but you know my dad doesn't care. He sits on his butt doing nothing all day while me, my mum and my brother go out to make a living. He doesn't have any consideration for anyone except himself. He goes out, spends up on his bankcard, bought himself that car, and his latest little venture was to buy himself a house out in the middle of nowhere. He calls it "an investment". Mind you, no-one's going to be living in it, it's just going to sit there and apparently he's going to take down his accumulated junk to store there. So basically he's bought a house for all the crap he has so much of he can no longer fit it all in the backyard (instead of just going through it and throwing it out). Now, we rent because we can't afford to buy a house, we have TOLD him time and time again that it's not a good idea... he was living on the notion for so long that we were going to buy a house and all put money in for it. Well my brother and I know what he's like, and we flat out said no and put our feet down. I mean, look at it, I'm almost 26, Russ is 23, we're going to be wanting to have our own lives soon enough, our own places to live in. Plus the fact that he's not working - seriously does he think we're a free ride? My brother and I are NOT going to put in to buy HIS house and pay off HIS mortgage for the rest of our lives. Not to mention the fact I can't even afford it. You know I look at my friends who get these money and expensive gifts given to them by their parents, who live at home without having to even pay board, hell one of my friends even just bought herself a house a few blocks away, and you know it upsets me cause I know I'm never gonna have that. The little bit of money mum told dad to put aside to help Russell and I, it's not enough I know, but every little bit counts, right? But dad's also hidden that away in his own little secret account that no-one knows about, and after today I'm pretty sure it's no longer there. He could never afford to buy a house with what little he did get from the sale of my grandmother's place. But just the other thing that pisses me off - my mum had cancer a few months ago. My mum PAID for all her treatment out of everything she had saved up. He never offered any money. She wanted to go on a holiday, and is currently trying to pay my brother & I back for the Gold Coast trip in December, plus the fact she wanted to go on a cruise next year. Now she's going to cancel because she can't afford it, cause now she has to pay for HIS stupid house he bought in the middle of nowhere, plus the registration on HIS 2 cars, not to mention the rest of the bills. And people are turning to me going "can't you help?" and it's like "how?" I mean I told him time and time again no, but he didn't listen, I gave him damn good rational reasons, but he ignores them, and what? Am I suddenly meant to pay for everything now? With my underpaid income that already gets half given to my mum for board? With the fact I now have to pay for my car registration, my computer, 2 holidays, concerts (and these are all the things I'm already owing for). My mum is freaking out because she doesn't know how she's going to be able to afford the groceries, especially given we're soon to have an extra person in the house, and I told her I'll go shopping and pay for them all if it comes to that. I hate what he's done to this family, I hate that he keeps being such a selfish bastard and only thinking of himself, that he keeps robbing me of my money and everything I've earnt, that he continually blatantly lies to me (is it any wonder I get so freaking upset when other people do the same?) and everyone else, that things have to be pushed to such a desperate level that such a simple thing as having a friend stay can be such a stressful event. I hate being part of this family and I'm not surprised with the fact that I keep wanting to escape by any means possible.