The Jerry Springer Show : Episode 627 : "Marriage Meltdown!"
[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]
Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! Julie is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, Melanie. So everyone, please put your hands together for Julie!
[The crowd whoops and hollers]
Jerry: Okay, now Julie you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
Jerry: And what is this other person's name?
[The crowd squeals with delight]
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Wes, is actually here tonight ...
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Julie, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... Ellen!
You: What the HELL!!!
[Out of nowhere you pull out a athame. Ellen reaches for the Desk. Out of the shadows Drew appears]
Drew: Wait everybody, wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here Ellen.
Ellen: Because I saw Julie and Drew making out at Valleygirl!
[The crowd goes absolutely insane]
Drew: That's a lie! I was home watching Charmed!
Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem Ellen?
Ellen: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Melanie who has recently become engaged to Drew.
[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Melanie out here because Julie had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... Wes that's right!
Melanie: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Wes! You know how I feel about Wes!
Drew: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Wes!
Melanie: Because I knew that I could never have Wes. But Julie promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Drew: What about respect for my feelings!
[Ellen walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Melanie]
Ellen: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
[Again the crowd squeals]
Drew: Oh my God! Are you sick!?
[Drew runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]
Drew: Julie take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ...
[The crowd does its bit]
Drew: Who the hell are you married to? When .. when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Wes.
Melanie: [screaming] WHAT!!!
Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?
Wes: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 4 times if that's what you mean.
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight .. Julie is married to Wes who Melanie has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Melanie has recently become engaged to Drew who was recently spotted kissing Julie in Valleygirl. Now on top of this, Ellen has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Melanie.
Wes: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.
[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]