Julie (decadentdream) wrote,

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And it all seems so helpless, and I have no plans...

Um I really don't know what to say about today. I'm starting to feel like I'm gaining a stalker. A not so fun thought that reminds me of the mess I was in just over 4 years ago. Damn, well, obviously I want to make myself cry. *tries to hold back the tears* Switchfoot had to start it. "Dare You To Move" was on the radio when I drove into the bank today and I sat in the car almost crying remembering my clip, remembering losing Chris, losing Drew. Not fine. I've been partially sadistically happy (more to do with my writing than anything else) and partially ripping myself apart for tearing Bianca to pieces the way I am. I know there is a point to all this, that I'm doing all this to make her the way she is, but it still hurts me to hurt her so much. I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming a catalyst, my darkness spreading and ripping apart my characters, my friends, hell I would even say my life if I could make sense of it all. It makes me wonder if I should be alone, just pull away from everyone and everything and be alone, to sit in a corner of my room in the darkness and cry like I used to. Play some Sarah if I want to make it worse.

So despite the fact that I pleased myself by making a start on the Bianca fic once again today, I have to say the biggest thing I'm looking forward to is my time off work. I'm over it. And the fact that it's starting to look like I've lost $308 to someone who is starting to become too self-obsessed with his own friends and partying that he's putting all that before his own sister's birthday, and actually attempting to pay me back, that's just ridiculous. I wish Marisol was on tonight *sob* Oh well, I'll try to enjoy Cold Case none the less.

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